Goodness i had a really bad day today.Such a bad day i was in tears by the time TOny even got hom from work. Of course, he walks in the door with his ” whats your problem” attitude that just makes me cry even more. The kids just ran me ragged. By 3 pm i was ready to just break down. I started crying a few times. And of course when Tony walked in I had just punished Brennan for cutting up my new blanket with a pair of hair sissors. Dulling up the sissors and cutting quite the jagged line into my blanket.
So then Tony decides to, for once, play Mr Nice.It seriously weirds me out when he is that nice to me. Just because its not a normal action for him. Offering me backrubs, or to go to the store and whatnot. NOT usualy behaviors for him.
We did go to the store though, i killed our vaccume today. Just stopped working. Changed to 3 different plugs, nothing, it was just dead. So we had to get a new one. For some reason tony got paid ALOT more then expected. Which is a little disconcerning however ill go with it. I finally found a sweater. Ive been searching EVERY store and online for a damn sweater. I dont have anything but a “hoodie” sweatshirt and i wanted a nice sweater.
Anyway yeah.. i think seeing tony got a nice paycheck, im going to go and do some shopping online. I cant buy a camera lens ( ok i could but that would be very wrong) But i think im going to buy a game for Tonys x box for me. I beat it on the computer but maybe if i put it on the x box, he will have to watch me play it a time or two…. Ok that is vindictive. But that game rules his life sometimes. At least it feels that way.
Sigh can you tel this thing is all over the place. Its how im feeling. Conner is teething, not sleeping well. MY neak has been so out for the past few days, i refused the neckrub on principle. Its stupid i know, i should have taken it, but he only offers when im upset, and then i dont want it.
Ive been working on Brennans room. Ive filled our 10 foot trailer full of stuff fora garage sale. Which should be next weekend. Like i told my mom, we could have just dropped the stuff off at a second hand store, but we could really use the money. So very late seasion grage sale it is.
Tony is out with his friends tonight, and probably tomarrow as well. Tonight they are out drinking, and tomarrow they are going to some comed club in Anchorage. I of course, will be at home with my kids… Sigh, it really sucks to not have any friends. I try.. im just not the kind of person to generate people to me i guess. That whole know it all attitude im told i have. Apperently i look down on everyone… Tonys friends talking of course. Im not upset that he is out with his friends. Im upset mostly because he can plan times out with his friends, but he cant plan a date. The last time i went to a movie was with my mom, 4 years ago. I just dont feel like he makes any time for me, for anything special for me… What can i expect though…
Sometimes i feel its really stupd to marry the guy you dated in High School. To have kids at 19, Maybe my life would have been alot different if i could have taken time for myself after school. Or better yet, GONE to collage instead of thinking about it. Putting it off. No one expected me to go. but still, someone should have pushed, I should have pushed.
I regret that my best friend from HS moved to Georgia with her military husband. I regret that i lost all contact with all my other HS friends. I regret not working, not being able to make friends when i did work. For some reason i never could make friensd at work. I know im not the most likable person… It seems like ive made a few friends online, but in reality.. thats pretty pathetic. Ive lost out on so much by not having any girlfriends. I dont get to go hang out, i dont get to have girls nights, no one to watch movies with, im just so freaking lonely all the time, and i think i take that out on Tony. Sigh here i go, crying again. I am so emotional tonight. I guess its better then my usual robotic self. Where did my humor go, sigh. I feel depressed tonight. I wish Conner would go to bed so i could just veg out somewhere and no have to constantly watch what he is doing. Its easier to cry when there isnt a baby in your face, or tearing apart the house…
Sometimes i wish that tony was a different kind of person. He is Mr Fix it. And MR insensative. Its like he is on a whole nother planet. But then so am I. Im the ice queen, i keep everything all locked up. Sigh. I think tony needs to go away for a few days. Maybe then i could open up to him. What kind of messed up marrage is this that i cant even open up to my husband. No love, no emotion, im so indifferent to him. I want to feel something.
Sigh here i go on. ITs just the day. Im crazy hormonal.. I dont always feel this bad. sigh. I need to shut up and put Conner to bed. Then maybe i can go to sleep myself. If tony dosent call and wake me up because he is drunk, as he is oft to do.